If You’re Not In It For Love

p20There are all kinds of people in all kinds of places who are in relationships and marriages for all kinds of reasons… other than being in love. Why do we do it? Is it comfortable, honest or acceptable? That depends on your arrangements; there may even be a way to make it easier or more pleasant. What are the top 5 reasons we enter into this kind of arrangement?

1. Security
2. Loneliness/Companionship
3. Lack of confidence/Poor Self esteem
4. Peer pressure /Job Expectations/ Family Pressure
5. Parenting Assistance

It should come as no surprise that money is the top reason people enter into relationships with someone they are not in love with. There is a large segment of our population who believe that money matters; it makes their world go round. They are willing to trade the magic of love for security.

Loneliness can be unbearable. There are many people who are self-reliant and more than capable of living alone comfortably but cannot tolerate the silence; the daily routine of a life lived alone. They are willing to trade the things they can provide for companionship with someone they are not in love with.

Low self-esteem or the lack of confidence in one’s own ability to navigate a life alone is the third reason people enter into a non-loving relationship. The attention and even the friendship of another person are worth the trade as they cease the pursuit to real love and accept what is available. This group feels lucky to have found someone who will stay with them.

Many people are perfectly happy alone and capable of managing financially yet still enter into relationships without any expectation of falling in love because it is expected of them. They are made to feel like they are lacking in some way if they are not ‘with’ someone. It keeps the naysayers off their back. This group is also compromised of those who become involved in a relationship because it makes them appear more stable in their position at work, leading to promotions.

Single parenting can be tough even if you are financially stable. Many people believe their child will have a better opportunity to be stable and productive under the guidance of two parents. This group becomes involved with a person they believe will complete the family circle, choosing to forego love in the name of good parenting.

All of these are good reasons that are comfortable, honest and acceptable as long as neither person is under any illusion.

When we fall in love with anyone we identify this from pleasurable experiences. The more we have the deeper we fall in love. The more unpleasant experiences we encounter the less likely we are to stay ‘in love.’ If you have settled for less than love in your relationship you may want to consider building one pleasurable experience after another to strengthen the bond. You may actually find that the unthinkable has happened and you fall in love!