If You’re Not In It For Love

p20There are all kinds of people in all kinds of places who are in relationships and marriages for all kinds of reasons… other than being in love. Why do we do it? Is it comfortable, honest or acceptable? That depends on your arrangements; there may even be a way to make it easier or more pleasant. What are the top 5 reasons we enter into this kind of arrangement?

1. Security
2. Loneliness/Companionship
3. Lack of confidence/Poor Self esteem
4. Peer pressure /Job Expectations/ Family Pressure
5. Parenting Assistance

It should come as no surprise that money is the top reason people enter into relationships with someone they are not in love with. There is a large segment of our population who believe that money matters; it makes their world go round. They are willing to trade the magic of love for security.

Loneliness can be unbearable. There are many people who are self-reliant and more than capable of living alone comfortably but cannot tolerate the silence; the daily routine of a life lived alone. They are willing to trade the things they can provide for companionship with someone they are not in love with.

Low self-esteem or the lack of confidence in one’s own ability to navigate a life alone is the third reason people enter into a non-loving relationship. The attention and even the friendship of another person are worth the trade as they cease the pursuit to real love and accept what is available. This group feels lucky to have found someone who will stay with them.

Many people are perfectly happy alone and capable of managing financially yet still enter into relationships without any expectation of falling in love because it is expected of them. They are made to feel like they are lacking in some way if they are not ‘with’ someone. It keeps the naysayers off their back. This group is also compromised of those who become involved in a relationship because it makes them appear more stable in their position at work, leading to promotions.

Single parenting can be tough even if you are financially stable. Many people believe their child will have a better opportunity to be stable and productive under the guidance of two parents. This group becomes involved with a person they believe will complete the family circle, choosing to forego love in the name of good parenting.

All of these are good reasons that are comfortable, honest and acceptable as long as neither person is under any illusion.

When we fall in love with anyone we identify this from pleasurable experiences. The more we have the deeper we fall in love. The more unpleasant experiences we encounter the less likely we are to stay ‘in love.’ If you have settled for less than love in your relationship you may want to consider building one pleasurable experience after another to strengthen the bond. You may actually find that the unthinkable has happened and you fall in love!

Relationships Do Some People’s Childhoods Set Them Up To Expect Too Much From Others

p19If one was to go shopping and they were to speak to someone who works in a store, it is highly unlikely that they will expect them to treat them like a close friend would. In fact, they might not know what to expect from them.

This is something that can all depend on how they are treated by the people they spend their time with. When one is treated well by these people, they could expect to be treated with respect by the people who work in these kinds of places.

The Other Side

Alternatively, if one is used to being treated badly by the people they spend their time with, they might expect the same treatment when they go out. This is then going to be what is normal and it is not going to stand out when other people treat them in the same way.

However, even if one is used to being treated well by the people they spend their time with, it doesn’t mean that they will expect the same when they go out. This could be because they live somewhere where the customer service is not always good.

The Difference

Yet regardless of these different factors, it wouldn’t be right for one to expect the people who work in shops to treat them in the same way that their close friends do. Along with this, they are not going to be able to do the things for them that their close friends would do.

These people are there to do a specific job and that’s going to stop them from being able to do certain things. For example, they are not going to have the time to listen to what they have been doing or to go for a drink with them, for instance.

From Here

There is also going to be a difference when it comes to what one expects from their friends and what they expect from an intimate relationship. On a basic level, there will be needs that their friends meet and there will be needs that their partner meets.

When it comes to their physical needs, it is not going to be possible for their friends to meet them. At the same time, there could be other needs that their friends can meet but their partner can’t.

For Example

One could have a hobby that their partner doesn’t enjoy doing and it will then mean that they will need to find other people to do it with. This could have been something that was clear from the first time they met and so there will be no reason for them to get annoyed about it.

Their partner could also enjoy doing things that they don’t enjoy and so it could be something that they can both relate to. This could be seen as a part of a relationship and it is not something that can be avoided.

Similarities

This doesn’t mean that there won’t be a number of things that they can do together, as this is unlikely to be the case. It could be said that through there being differences when it comes to what they like, it will make their relationship more fulfilling.

One is also likely to find that although some of their friends enjoy doing everything they do, there are others that have other interests. Each friend they have is then going to play a different part in their life.

A Closer Look

And while there are going to be times when their friends can be there for them, there are also going to be times when they can’t. Ultimately, they will have their own life to lead and so this is to be expected.

During these moments, one will need to find another friend to be there, or they might need to take care of their own needs. This is something that can all depend on what is taking place for them.

Intimacy

There will also be moments where their partner is unable to be there for them, but if this was the norm it might show that there is a problem. And the love and acceptance that they give them is not going to be unconditional either.

The other person is an individual with their own needs and values, and if they were to change or one changed, it could cause the relationship to come to an end. Growth is part of life and this is partly why relationships can’t always last forever.

Part of Life

These are things that are part of life as an adult, and they are going to be radically different to the kinds of experiences one had whilst they were growing up. During these early years, their caregivers would have generally been there when they needed them, and their love and acceptance would have been unconditional.

But as an adult, their relationships are with people who also have their own needs and this is why they can’t be the same. As a child, one’s relationship with their caregivers was one-sided; their caregivers were there to take care of their needs and one didn’t need to give them anything.

The Ideal

However, while this is how one should have experienced life when they were growing up, it doesn’t mean that it is something they can relate to. This could have been a time where they had to be there for their caregivers.

As a result of this, their needs would have generally been overlooked and this will have caused them to be undeveloped. Their adult years can then be a time where they will expect others to give them what they didn’t get during their childhood.

An Unconscious Process

Now, this is not to say that one reflects on what they didn’t get as a child and then goes about trying to get it as an adult, as this is likely to be something that takes place outside of their awareness. One’s unmet childhood needs will have a big effect on how they behave, and they are not going to realise that it is not possible for other adults to fulfil these needs.

This could also mean that one will have the tendency to attract people who are also in the same position, and this means that during the early stages of a relationship, each person will feel as though they have finally found someone who will give them what they didn’t get growing up. But as time passes, the cracks will soon start to appear, and the emotional experience they had when their needs were not met as a child will come back to the surface.

Expectations

One could emotionally collapse and end up feeling angry, powerless, hopeless and ashamed, or they could disconnect from these feelings and experience rage and blame someone else for not taking care of their needs. The response they have can all depend on how they feel around them.

This is something that can take place if one’s friends are not always there for them, or if their partner doesn’t give them unconditional love and acceptance. As long as one continues to have unrealistic expectations, they will continue to suffer unnecessarily.

Awareness

If one can relate to this and they want to move forward, they might need to work with a therapist. During this time, they will need to grieve their unmet childhood needs, among other things.

Relationships Does Someone Leave Their Childhood Behind When They Leave Home

p18When someone gets on a plain to go home after they have been on holiday, it could be said that they are leaving the country behind. Once they get home, they can carry on with the rest of their life.

Now, this is not to say that they won’t have moments when they will think about what took place, or that they won’t imagine would it would be like to be back there again. However, what it does mean is that it is not going to have a big effect on their life.

Not Content

If, on the other hand, one does find that they are unable to carry on with their life, it could be a sign that there life is not very fulfilling. In this case, it is not going to be possible for them to carry on with their life.

Ultimately, they will believe that they haven’t got much of a life to live, and through going away, it will have made it even harder for them to function on a day-to-day basis. This could be something that is seen as the exception as opposed to the rule.

Memories

When one carry’s on with the rest of their life, some of the experiences they had may have an impact on their life. They could find that they have been inspired to do things they wouldn’t have done before.

If something bad happened, it could cause them to retract in some way, but this could pass as time goes by. The experiences they have once they are back could allow them to move on from what took place.

A New Home

This is an experience that can be seen as similar to what takes place when one leaves the home that they were brought up in. And how once they have left, what took place whilst they were there will no longer affect them.

Or if it does, the impact it had will soon come to an end once they have lived somewhere else for a short amount of time. This then matches up with what people say when they leave home, and how this is a time where people feel free.

A New Beginning

Along with this experience (or even if one doesn’t see it in this way), it can be seen as the start of a new phase of their life. If one had an enjoyable childhood, this could be a time where they feel a sense of loss.

But if their experience was the complete opposite, they could experience a sense of relief and as though they are being liberated. Thus, how each person feels after they have left is likely to be radically different.

It Will Soon Pass

However, even if one does feel sad about what is taking place, it could be said that they won’t stay this way for too long. Once they have settled down somewhere else and started to create a new life, their emotional state will soon change.

And if one was only too happy to leave home, their emotional state could go from one end of the spectrum to the other. Still, one is likely to find that they end up having moments where they don’t feel as good.

Good and Bad

What this comes down to is that no matter what one’s childhood was like, they are not always going to feel good in the real world. There is also going to be different challenges that they have to deal with.

Yet what they will have is the ability the make their own choices and not to be defined by the choices their caregivers make. Therefore, there are pros and cons, but there is no denying that one will have more freedom.

A Smooth Transition

If one is in a position where they had a fulfilling childhood, they could find that the kinds of interactions that they have with others are fulfilling and life-affirming. It is then not going to be as if the good moments in their life have come to an end, as they will continue to take place.

They could find that the people they meet remind them of the people who were around during their younger years. This is not to say that they will be an exact match, but that they will have similar qualities.

A Rocky Road

If one is in a position where they didn’t have a fulfilling childhood, they could find that the interactions they have with others are not fulfilling or life-affirming. What they went through during their early years will then have continued.

The people they come into contact with can then remind them of the people who were around during their early years. It can then be as if they are the same people, but that they have different faces.

The Ideal

This scenario could be seen as the ideal, as there is a strong chance that one will not see the connection between what is happening in their adult life and what took place during their childhood. As far as they are concerned, what took place in the past could be in the past.

So whatever takes place in their adult years has nothing to do with their childhood, and this can then cause them to feel as though the world is against them, for instance. Whereas if they were able to see the connection, it would allow them to see that they are not simply observing what is taking place.

Awareness

Unless one deals with what took place during their childhood, it won’t matter where they go as the past will always be with them. Their mind and body will carry the past around until it has been dealt with.

Relationships Why Are Some People Only Attracted To People They Can Overshadow

p17While some people end up with people who on a similar level, there are others who end up with people who are not. As a result of this, not everyone is going to be drawn to people who are as developed as they are.

Equal

When it comes to the former, it could be said that one’s relationships are likely to be fulfilling, and this is partly because the other person will be able to challenge them. Another way of looking at this is that each person will be an adult as opposed to one of them being a child and another being a parent.

Now, this doesn’t mean that they will be at the same level when it comes to every area of their life, as there are likely to be certain areas where this is not the case. For example, one person could have more money than the other or greater success in their career, for instance.

Emotional Development

However, when it comes to what is taking place within them, there is likely to be less of a difference. The emotional development of one person is like to match up with the emotional development of the other.

There could also be a match when it comes to their intellectual development, but this might not always be the case. This could then mean that one person is more creative than the other.

Attention

Along with this, one may prefer more or less attention than someone else, and it could then be said that they are either an extrovert or introvert. Yet even if one does like to spend more time around others, it doesn’t mean that they will see themselves as more important or more developed than their partner.

And the same could be said if one finds that their partner needs to spend more time around others. Each person is then able to accept that the other person is different without trying to change them or make out there is something wrong with them.

Complement Each Other

In this sense, each person is there to add to the other person’s life, and this will allow them to grow and develop together. In many ways, this could be seen as the ideal scenario as it will be life-affirming.

This doesn’t mean that they won’t argue or that they won’t be conflict; what it means is that they will be together to assist in each other’s evolution. When one ends up with people who are not at the same level, their experience is likely to be radically different.

Two Experiences

On one side, one could find that they are fed up with attracting people who are more like their child than their partner. On the other side, one could find that although this causes them to be frustrated from time to time, it is what feels comfortable.

If one has had enough of what is taking place, it could be a sign that they have experienced an inner shift. But if one is happy with how their life is, it could come down to the fact that their level of awareness hasn’t changed.

For Example

When one is in this position, they could find that they are typically drown to people who are a lot younger than they are. It will then be normal for one to feel like the other persons parent and they can be used to giving more than they receive.

One could also be attracted to people who are not very developed, and once again they can feel like some kind of teacher. But while they will be giving lots of advice, they are not going to be getting anything in return.

Control

Still, what this will do is allow them to be the person that decides what does and what doesn’t happen in the relationship. For instance, through having more money, they will be able to define where they go and where they live.

If they are more intelligent, it will allow them to be right and the other person is likely to look up to them. The feedback that they get from the other is then going to have a positive effect on how they feel about themselves.

Stunted

So the relationships they have will allow them to experience control and to feel good about themselves, but what they won’t do is allow them to grow. The only thing they are likely to do is to allow them to preserve the identity they have formed.

Therefore, although one can look as though they are full of life on the outside, this is not going to match up with what is taking place within them. And until they no longer feel comfortable with this kind of dynamic, it won’t be possible for them to truly grow.

Overshadow

If one was to take a look at what is taking place within them at a deeper level, they may find that they don’t value themselves, and through being with people who are not at the same level, it stops them from having to face how they feel. One has then created a false-self that allows them to rise above their true feelings.

This could mean that there was a time in their life where they experienced some kind of abuse and neglect, and this then caused them to experience toxic shame. If one was to embrace how they feel they would feel worthless and it would cause them to emotionally collapse, but through disconnecting from what is taking place within them, it will allows them to experience a false sense of superiority.

Awareness

If one can relate to this and they want to attract someone who is at their level, it might be necessary for them to work with a therapist and/or a support group. This can be a time where one will need to work through the emotional pain that is trapped in their body, among other things.

What a Success

p16It was good to see the Hairy bikers organizing “old school”, what a great idea to bring together youngsters and senior citizen. How they both benefited, both gaining confidence, the elders feeling needed and the vulnerable youngsters feeling support and caring. Both gained from giving and receiving.

You could see the youngsters blossoming and the elders glowing with pride, both were growing in the new relationships. The cognitive skills of the elders improved together with the youngsters school grades which soared, school attendance and general well-being. Everyone likes the support and friendship of someone they trust, a mentor to look up to.

I remember when my daughter was at school an older lady in the village came in to talk to the children about life in the war years, ration books etc. The children were fascinated. When later I was teaching, adults often came in to listen to children read, run the library and other tasks. This pairing of elders and youngsters appeared to be even better and should be practised nationwide.

In the program the bonding and caring grew over the weeks, it was great to see. What a win-win situation!

We could all do with a coach or mentor when learning something new. On some occasions the youngsters were coaching the elders to enter their world of electronic games, painting and even assisting with one gentleman’s paperwork. Meanwhile the elders supported the youngsters, passing on their knowledge and life experiences.

It took a little while for the relationships to develop, and for them to understand each other, but as it was a monitored situation, any problems were soon resolved.

In my current business I have benefited from having a coach and mentor, much the same as sports people do or people learning any new skill. If you were thinking of learning to drive, learning to play tennis or golf, you would find an expert in their field and benefit from their previous experience.

Working online is no different, affiliate marketing with the guidance of a coach is the simplest way to start. It’s great fun and satisfying watching you business grow; it can be worked in your spare-time. It is low-cost to start-up and is suitable for almost anyone with a strong desire to succeed. Age, education or gender are unimportant, with the guidance of a coach you can start earning whilst you learn the skills required.

Relationships Are The People Who Rescue Others Healthier Than The People They Rescue

p15While someone could be in a position where they have saved a number of dogs from drowning, it could go even further than this. Perhaps they also work in the fire service, and have then stopped a number of people from losing their life.

They could also find that this kind of behaviour appears in their personal life, and one is then going to be used to being there for others in all areas of their life. However, this doesn’t mean that one has to have a history of saving dogs and/or to be in the fire service in order for this to occur.

A Normal Part of Life

When this is something that appears in their personal life, it is unlikely to be something that takes place from time to time. There is a strong chance that this is an experience they have each day.

This could be because they are in a relationship with someone who is unable to handle life, or it might be a sign that they are surrounded by friends who have the same problem. At the same time, their time might be divided between helping their partner and their friends.

Friendship

Through being this way it won’t matter whether they are in a relationship or not, as they will always be helping someone. They could find that they have more time for others when they are single, or this might not be the case.

Doing what they can to help their friends could always be on their mind, and it is then not going to be possible for them to overlook their needs. The effect this has on their relationship is then going to be downplayed.

Admiration

But while the person they are with could end up becoming frustrated if one behaved in this way, they could also see it in a positive light. The fact that they are only too happy to be there for their friends is then going to be something they admire about them.

The time one spends with their partner could also be diminished by the amount of time they spend with their family. This could also be a time where one is taking on what these people can’t solve themselves.

Two Options

If one was to think about what they are doing, they could see it as the best option, and this could be a sign they only see one other option. In their mind, the other option may involve ignoring other people’s needs.

As a result of this, one could believe that they would be selfish if they didn’t do as much for others, and it will then be normal for them to judge others in the same way. It then won’t matter that this is causing them to ignore their own needs and to stop other people from taking responsibility for their own lives.

External Support

What will also make a difference here is the kind of feedback that they get from other people, and how one’s behaviour will generally be supported. Other people could see them as a role model and say that the world needs more people like them, for instance.

As it is not uncommon for people to be uncomfortable with their own needs, it could be said that it is to be expected that this outlook would be so common. It is then not a case of one being ashamed of their own needs; it is that they are simply ‘selfless’.

An Illusion

Being selfless is then seen as something to aspire to as opposed to something that is often a reflection of the false-self. Still, unless one starts to feel comfortable with their own needs, this is not going to change.

But when one is receiving approval from others and is seen in a positive light, they are not going to feel the need to change. The pain they experience through ignoring their own needs will be offset by the pleasure they receive through pleasing others.

All Together

Based on what they do for others, it could mean that other people see them as some kind of super hero. One can then see seen as someone who has it all together and the people they save are the ones with the problems.

When it comes to what one does for others, it can all depend on who they are trying to help. For example, one could have a pattern of being drawn to people that have mental and emotional challenges or those that can’t support themselves, among other things.

Falling Apart

Through being with someone like this, their attention can end up being consumed by the other person’s problems. And if one believes that they have it all together and the other person is the one who can’t handle life, they will feel as though they are doing the right thing.

It can then be normal for one to experience a sense of superiority and as though they are the only ones who can help others. However, although one can believe that they are in a better position than the people they rescue, this is not going to be the complete truth.

Two Levels

From the outside, it can look as though one is healthier, and this is partly because of the false-self that they have created. Yet, if they felt comfortable with their own needs, they wouldn’t spend so much time trying to get their needs met indirectly by rescuing others.

Along with this, rescuing others is an indirect way for them to rescue the parts of themselves that they have disowned. But as they have disconnected from these parts, it won’t matter what they do for other people as this won’t enable them to heal themselves.

Awareness

If one has the tendency to rescue others and they no longer want to avoid themselves, it might be necessary for them to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided by a therapist and/or a support group.

Relationships Do Some People Only Talk To You When They Want Something

p14Although relationships can be based on give and take, they can also be out of balance. When this happens, one person can give and another person can take, and this is going to lead to problems.

Normal

However, this is not to say that either of these people will realise that they are out of balance, as it could be something that is outside of their awareness. If one is used to giving more than they receive, it could be how their life has always been.

And if one is used to receiving more than they give, this could also be how their life has been for as long as they can remember. The person who always gives could be fed up with what is taking place, but the person who always receives could have a radically different experience.

Part of Life

Yet even though one person can be in a position where they have had enough of being taken advantage of, it doesn’t mean that they will do anything about it. For one thing, they could believe that it is just how life is.

On the other hand, the other person can be used to getting what they want and so they might not see any reason why they should change. This is then part of their life and they will be happy for it to continue.

Reaching Out

As a result of this, the person who gives is more likely to reach out for support than the person who receives. This is because they are not going to be happy with how their life is; whereas the kind of experience that the other person has can stop them from doing anything.

In fact, they could believe that other people should take care of their needs, and there will then be no reason for them to change. So if other people have a problem with their behaviour, it could be normal for them to dismiss it.

A High Turnover

Through being indifferent to the needs of others, it can mean that they don’t have the same people in their life for very long. In the beginning someone might not realise what is taking place and then as time passes, it could soon become clear.

But even if this did have a negative effect on them, it could be an experience that soon passes. They could believe that there is nothing wrong with their behaviour, and that other people are the problem.

Hangers-On

When one is used having people in their life who generally take, they could find that the same people stay around. Now, this is not to say that they are always there; what it can come down to is that they may have been in one’s life for quite some time.

At times, one might not hear form them for a few months, and at other times, they could hear from them a few times in the same week, for instance. The reason they stay around is not because they appreciate them, it is because they know they will be there to meet their needs.

From Time To Time

There could be moments when one does receive things from these kinds of people, but even if they do, it is unlikely to make up for everything they have given up until that point. Nevertheless, it could be seen as a big gesture in their eyes, and they could expect to receive something back.

In fact, this could be something that only takes place when they want one to do something for them. It could mean doing something straight after, or they might expect something a few days later.

The Reason

One way of looking at this would be to say that one only hears from these people when they want something. It then won’t matter if they want to spend time with them or need their help, as it won’t be possible.

It can then appear as though they no longer live in the same area, or seem as though they have left the planet. In reality, they are probably taking advantage of someone else, and until this changes, they could be out of reach.

Distant

Alternatively, one could get in touch with them to see how they are doing and they could answer their question/s, but that could be as far as it goes. They are then happy to extend themselves as one is giving their energy to them and yet they are not willing to return the favour.

One is then making the effort to see how they are doing, but they are going to be wasting their energy. There is also the chance that they will ask how they are and say about meeting in a few days or in a week.

Flaky

After the time has passed, one could find that they can’t get hold of them, or they may say that they forgot all about it. They could say that they will contact them and then this doesn’t take place.

Clearly, these are things that can happen from time to time, but this is not what is being spoken about here. What this relates to is when this is something that happens on a regular basis.

A Decision

When one is using to having people in their life who behave in this way, it will be important for them to think about whether they won’t to put up with it any longer. As all the time they put up with this behaviour, there is going to be no reason for these people to change.

It might also be necessary for one to look into why they put up with, as this could be a sign that they don’t value themselves. Therefore, if they started to feel better about themselves, they might no longer put up with this kind of behaviour, and this would then create the space for them to attract people who are different.

Awareness

When this comes to changing how one feels about themselves, it might be necessary for them to work with a therapist. Or they could read up about this area and apply what they learn.

Relationships: Are You In A Relationship With Someone Who Is On The Rebound

p13When someone starts a new relationship there is a strong chance that it will be their intention to be with someone who is available. In this case, one is in a position where they are ready to share their life with someone else.

It could then be said that they have the right outlook, and it could mean that they will be on the path to a fulfilling relationship. A new chapter of their life has then begun and one could be grateful that they have met the right one, so to speak.

A Different Experience

However, even though one can start a relationship and hope that the other person is available, it doesn’t mean that they are actually available. In the beginning, one could act as though they are ready to settle down and then as time goes on, this could soon change.

This would then show that while part of them is ready to settle down, another part of them is not on the same page. So although one could go along with the relationship and pretend that everything is fine, they could also walk away.

Unavailable

On the other hand, one could find that although they ready to share their life with someone, the same can’t be said for the person they are with. At first, they may have created the impression that they were ready but then as time has passed, a different side of them has appeared.

Through coming across as though they were ready, it would have been normal for one to believe that they were with the right person. If, on the other hand, they were like this from the start, it would have been a lot easier for them to realise what was taking place.

A Facade

What this shows is that people don’t always reveal their true intentions and while this can be a sign that they are trying to deceive, it might not be this black and white. At times, someone could go out of their way to mislead another, and at other times, it could be something that takes place just outside of their awareness.

So when one comes across as though they are available in the beginning of a relationship, it could be act they have put in place to get their needs met. Alternatively, it could be something that they are not fully aware of.

Pain

When this happens, it could be a sign that they are in a lot of pain and their primary focus is then to feel better. Thus, they are not focused on taking advantage of another human being; they are concerned with their own wellbeing.

Yet if one has crossed paths with someone like this and they are also in pain, it might not be possible for them to feel better if the relationship was to come to an end. Ultimately, one can feel as though they have been used and this can be hard for them to handle.

Time

What could give one a sense of relief is that they have found out and that this is not something that has lasted any longer. This will then allow them to gradually move on from what they have been through.

During this time, one could wonder why they ended up with this person, and why his person ended up with them. Looking into the first question might allow them to change their life; whereas looking into the second question may only allow them to settle their mind down.

The Big Question

If the person one was in a relationship with was in pain, it could be because they have only just left another relationship. The pain they experienced when this came to an end is then still within them.

This will then show that they didn’t take the time to process their pain; they ended up looking for someone to take it away. Based on this, one would have seen as someone who would make them feel better.

An Escape

Through being this way, it would have been possible for them to have a relationship, and this is because they were running away from themselves. They would have been able to offer their mind and their body, but their heart would not have been available.

By replacing one person with another, it would have kept their pain at bay, and this may have been the only need they had. It would then have been necessary for them to come on strong and to create the right impression in order to keep one around.

Looking Back

Having said that, if one was to look back on how the other person behaved in the beginning and throughout their time together, they may start to see that there were signs. But one may have overlooked these due to their need to be with someone.

If the other person came on strong from the start, this would have shown that something wasn’t right. As when it comes to finding the right person, it is generally better to take the time to get to know them.

Thinking Clearly

When this happens, they are not being controlled by their emotions, and this will make it easier for them to make better decisions. Along with this, they may have also spoken about their ex a lot.

One may also have found that although they were attentive at certain times, there may have been other times when they were distant. Their behaviour was then either hot or cold, and this would have been hard to deal with.

Awareness

If one was to look into why they ended up with this person, they may find out that is because they are also unavailable. Although they thought they were ready to have a relationship, this was nothing more than an illusion.

When the Conversation Stops at How Are You

p12Fellowship has its barriers within any community of care. But this could be the chief of them. It begins as the very first words are uttered from the mouth of a would-be, could-be, or sadder an actual, friend.

Those words are, ‘How are you / going?’

Don’t get me wrong. Those three or four words can initiate a wonderfully intimate conversation, except for two circumstances where they break intimacy in half.

1. Where the conversation stops at ‘Good, thanks,’ and there’s no more enquiry entered into, apart from ‘Okay, great,’ more as to say, ‘I don’t have the time for you,’ ‘I don’t have the time right now, and generally don’t ever,’ or ‘I wasn’t really interested in any more of a response than “Good, thanks” to begin with,’ there’s a problem. The problem should be obvious. Should the question have been asked to begin with? Should we feign intimacy?

2. Where the conversation stops because, awkwardly, the person being asked doesn’t feel comfortable answering honestly. That’s okay. Nobody should apologise for needing to avoid the question. The answer could be a polite, ‘I’m well, thank you,’ if indeed they were well.

In both of the above situations, there is a way to advance intimacy.

In the first situation, if we’re asking the question, we actually need to be interested in their answer, to the extent we’re willing to ask clarifying questions as we enter into meaningful listening dialogue.

In the second situation, we need to discern any sense of awkwardness and respect the space the other person requires, and not be offended that they can’t commit more than that.

If we ask the question genuinely, we could begin to go deeper than simply the offhand ‘how are you?’ which we tend to experience everywhere in our fast-paced world. The exception is where we don’t feel comfortable, for which the code response could be, ‘I’m well, thank you.’

Private Vs Sneaky What Is Your Character

p11I am a very private person. I dated a man that claimed that he was a very private person as well. The only difference that separates us when talking about privacy was our character. Character is often explained so clearly as… “it’s what you do when you think no one is looking.” I can honestly say that there is really nothing that I did while we were together that I could not openly discuss with him. Unfortunately, I can’t say the same for his actions during our eight year relationship. Private to him is having many “secret” relationships (many were sexual too), not-disclosing or even acknowledging his relationship status on Facebook (eight years, not a picture of me and him insight anywhere), establishing online dating accounts and online relationships (every time we get into an argument), etc. I do not have a name. I do not exist. If you are truly in love, would you not profound the love of your life? Today’s social media makes it difficult to have a one-on-one relationship. You are in constant competition of the “likes” and as a woman, I can not compete with your 1,879 FB friends. And when caught, it’s the “I am a man” excuse. Because you are a man gives you the right to have sexual relationships and make it excusable?

See, there is a big distinction between private and sneaky. Private to me is keeping my business within my own backyard because it is no one’s business except for the people that are involved. With that said, he’s just plain sneaky.

Living separate lives is sneaky. The life without a girlfriend and the life with a girlfriend when it is convenient for him. He has an innate character to hide things even when it’s not a big deal. In our life together, I have been asked to join him only at events when it involves his family which I can count on one hand. After eight years, you would think I would have joined him at a social event that he was invited to, right? He attends and “forgets” to mention it. And when he slips up, he makes me seem like I am the crazy one as I am being invading his privacy. A relationship is sharing your life. It does not mean I have to be a part of every activity but to exclude me, makes you sneaky. To not share sometimes is simply a lie in disguise.