If You’re Not In It For Love

p20There are all kinds of people in all kinds of places who are in relationships and marriages for all kinds of reasons… other than being in love. Why do we do it? Is it comfortable, honest or acceptable? That depends on your arrangements; there may even be a way to make it easier or more pleasant. What are the top 5 reasons we enter into this kind of arrangement?

1. Security
2. Loneliness/Companionship
3. Lack of confidence/Poor Self esteem
4. Peer pressure /Job Expectations/ Family Pressure
5. Parenting Assistance

It should come as no surprise that money is the top reason people enter into relationships with someone they are not in love with. There is a large segment of our population who believe that money matters; it makes their world go round. They are willing to trade the magic of love for security.

Loneliness can be unbearable. There are many people who are self-reliant and more than capable of living alone comfortably but cannot tolerate the silence; the daily routine of a life lived alone. They are willing to trade the things they can provide for companionship with someone they are not in love with.

Low self-esteem or the lack of confidence in one’s own ability to navigate a life alone is the third reason people enter into a non-loving relationship. The attention and even the friendship of another person are worth the trade as they cease the pursuit to real love and accept what is available. This group feels lucky to have found someone who will stay with them.

Many people are perfectly happy alone and capable of managing financially yet still enter into relationships without any expectation of falling in love because it is expected of them. They are made to feel like they are lacking in some way if they are not ‘with’ someone. It keeps the naysayers off their back. This group is also compromised of those who become involved in a relationship because it makes them appear more stable in their position at work, leading to promotions.

Single parenting can be tough even if you are financially stable. Many people believe their child will have a better opportunity to be stable and productive under the guidance of two parents. This group becomes involved with a person they believe will complete the family circle, choosing to forego love in the name of good parenting.

All of these are good reasons that are comfortable, honest and acceptable as long as neither person is under any illusion.

When we fall in love with anyone we identify this from pleasurable experiences. The more we have the deeper we fall in love. The more unpleasant experiences we encounter the less likely we are to stay ‘in love.’ If you have settled for less than love in your relationship you may want to consider building one pleasurable experience after another to strengthen the bond. You may actually find that the unthinkable has happened and you fall in love!

Relationships Do Some People’s Childhoods Set Them Up To Expect Too Much From Others

p19If one was to go shopping and they were to speak to someone who works in a store, it is highly unlikely that they will expect them to treat them like a close friend would. In fact, they might not know what to expect from them.

This is something that can all depend on how they are treated by the people they spend their time with. When one is treated well by these people, they could expect to be treated with respect by the people who work in these kinds of places.

The Other Side

Alternatively, if one is used to being treated badly by the people they spend their time with, they might expect the same treatment when they go out. This is then going to be what is normal and it is not going to stand out when other people treat them in the same way.

However, even if one is used to being treated well by the people they spend their time with, it doesn’t mean that they will expect the same when they go out. This could be because they live somewhere where the customer service is not always good.

The Difference

Yet regardless of these different factors, it wouldn’t be right for one to expect the people who work in shops to treat them in the same way that their close friends do. Along with this, they are not going to be able to do the things for them that their close friends would do.

These people are there to do a specific job and that’s going to stop them from being able to do certain things. For example, they are not going to have the time to listen to what they have been doing or to go for a drink with them, for instance.

From Here

There is also going to be a difference when it comes to what one expects from their friends and what they expect from an intimate relationship. On a basic level, there will be needs that their friends meet and there will be needs that their partner meets.

When it comes to their physical needs, it is not going to be possible for their friends to meet them. At the same time, there could be other needs that their friends can meet but their partner can’t.

For Example

One could have a hobby that their partner doesn’t enjoy doing and it will then mean that they will need to find other people to do it with. This could have been something that was clear from the first time they met and so there will be no reason for them to get annoyed about it.

Their partner could also enjoy doing things that they don’t enjoy and so it could be something that they can both relate to. This could be seen as a part of a relationship and it is not something that can be avoided.

Similarities

This doesn’t mean that there won’t be a number of things that they can do together, as this is unlikely to be the case. It could be said that through there being differences when it comes to what they like, it will make their relationship more fulfilling.

One is also likely to find that although some of their friends enjoy doing everything they do, there are others that have other interests. Each friend they have is then going to play a different part in their life.

A Closer Look

And while there are going to be times when their friends can be there for them, there are also going to be times when they can’t. Ultimately, they will have their own life to lead and so this is to be expected.

During these moments, one will need to find another friend to be there, or they might need to take care of their own needs. This is something that can all depend on what is taking place for them.

Intimacy

There will also be moments where their partner is unable to be there for them, but if this was the norm it might show that there is a problem. And the love and acceptance that they give them is not going to be unconditional either.

The other person is an individual with their own needs and values, and if they were to change or one changed, it could cause the relationship to come to an end. Growth is part of life and this is partly why relationships can’t always last forever.

Part of Life

These are things that are part of life as an adult, and they are going to be radically different to the kinds of experiences one had whilst they were growing up. During these early years, their caregivers would have generally been there when they needed them, and their love and acceptance would have been unconditional.

But as an adult, their relationships are with people who also have their own needs and this is why they can’t be the same. As a child, one’s relationship with their caregivers was one-sided; their caregivers were there to take care of their needs and one didn’t need to give them anything.

The Ideal

However, while this is how one should have experienced life when they were growing up, it doesn’t mean that it is something they can relate to. This could have been a time where they had to be there for their caregivers.

As a result of this, their needs would have generally been overlooked and this will have caused them to be undeveloped. Their adult years can then be a time where they will expect others to give them what they didn’t get during their childhood.

An Unconscious Process

Now, this is not to say that one reflects on what they didn’t get as a child and then goes about trying to get it as an adult, as this is likely to be something that takes place outside of their awareness. One’s unmet childhood needs will have a big effect on how they behave, and they are not going to realise that it is not possible for other adults to fulfil these needs.

This could also mean that one will have the tendency to attract people who are also in the same position, and this means that during the early stages of a relationship, each person will feel as though they have finally found someone who will give them what they didn’t get growing up. But as time passes, the cracks will soon start to appear, and the emotional experience they had when their needs were not met as a child will come back to the surface.

Expectations

One could emotionally collapse and end up feeling angry, powerless, hopeless and ashamed, or they could disconnect from these feelings and experience rage and blame someone else for not taking care of their needs. The response they have can all depend on how they feel around them.

This is something that can take place if one’s friends are not always there for them, or if their partner doesn’t give them unconditional love and acceptance. As long as one continues to have unrealistic expectations, they will continue to suffer unnecessarily.

Awareness

If one can relate to this and they want to move forward, they might need to work with a therapist. During this time, they will need to grieve their unmet childhood needs, among other things.

Relationships Does Someone Leave Their Childhood Behind When They Leave Home

p18When someone gets on a plain to go home after they have been on holiday, it could be said that they are leaving the country behind. Once they get home, they can carry on with the rest of their life.

Now, this is not to say that they won’t have moments when they will think about what took place, or that they won’t imagine would it would be like to be back there again. However, what it does mean is that it is not going to have a big effect on their life.

Not Content

If, on the other hand, one does find that they are unable to carry on with their life, it could be a sign that there life is not very fulfilling. In this case, it is not going to be possible for them to carry on with their life.

Ultimately, they will believe that they haven’t got much of a life to live, and through going away, it will have made it even harder for them to function on a day-to-day basis. This could be something that is seen as the exception as opposed to the rule.

Memories

When one carry’s on with the rest of their life, some of the experiences they had may have an impact on their life. They could find that they have been inspired to do things they wouldn’t have done before.

If something bad happened, it could cause them to retract in some way, but this could pass as time goes by. The experiences they have once they are back could allow them to move on from what took place.

A New Home

This is an experience that can be seen as similar to what takes place when one leaves the home that they were brought up in. And how once they have left, what took place whilst they were there will no longer affect them.

Or if it does, the impact it had will soon come to an end once they have lived somewhere else for a short amount of time. This then matches up with what people say when they leave home, and how this is a time where people feel free.

A New Beginning

Along with this experience (or even if one doesn’t see it in this way), it can be seen as the start of a new phase of their life. If one had an enjoyable childhood, this could be a time where they feel a sense of loss.

But if their experience was the complete opposite, they could experience a sense of relief and as though they are being liberated. Thus, how each person feels after they have left is likely to be radically different.

It Will Soon Pass

However, even if one does feel sad about what is taking place, it could be said that they won’t stay this way for too long. Once they have settled down somewhere else and started to create a new life, their emotional state will soon change.

And if one was only too happy to leave home, their emotional state could go from one end of the spectrum to the other. Still, one is likely to find that they end up having moments where they don’t feel as good.

Good and Bad

What this comes down to is that no matter what one’s childhood was like, they are not always going to feel good in the real world. There is also going to be different challenges that they have to deal with.

Yet what they will have is the ability the make their own choices and not to be defined by the choices their caregivers make. Therefore, there are pros and cons, but there is no denying that one will have more freedom.

A Smooth Transition

If one is in a position where they had a fulfilling childhood, they could find that the kinds of interactions that they have with others are fulfilling and life-affirming. It is then not going to be as if the good moments in their life have come to an end, as they will continue to take place.

They could find that the people they meet remind them of the people who were around during their younger years. This is not to say that they will be an exact match, but that they will have similar qualities.

A Rocky Road

If one is in a position where they didn’t have a fulfilling childhood, they could find that the interactions they have with others are not fulfilling or life-affirming. What they went through during their early years will then have continued.

The people they come into contact with can then remind them of the people who were around during their early years. It can then be as if they are the same people, but that they have different faces.

The Ideal

This scenario could be seen as the ideal, as there is a strong chance that one will not see the connection between what is happening in their adult life and what took place during their childhood. As far as they are concerned, what took place in the past could be in the past.

So whatever takes place in their adult years has nothing to do with their childhood, and this can then cause them to feel as though the world is against them, for instance. Whereas if they were able to see the connection, it would allow them to see that they are not simply observing what is taking place.

Awareness

Unless one deals with what took place during their childhood, it won’t matter where they go as the past will always be with them. Their mind and body will carry the past around until it has been dealt with.

Relationships Why Are Some People Only Attracted To People They Can Overshadow

p17While some people end up with people who on a similar level, there are others who end up with people who are not. As a result of this, not everyone is going to be drawn to people who are as developed as they are.

Equal

When it comes to the former, it could be said that one’s relationships are likely to be fulfilling, and this is partly because the other person will be able to challenge them. Another way of looking at this is that each person will be an adult as opposed to one of them being a child and another being a parent.

Now, this doesn’t mean that they will be at the same level when it comes to every area of their life, as there are likely to be certain areas where this is not the case. For example, one person could have more money than the other or greater success in their career, for instance.

Emotional Development

However, when it comes to what is taking place within them, there is likely to be less of a difference. The emotional development of one person is like to match up with the emotional development of the other.

There could also be a match when it comes to their intellectual development, but this might not always be the case. This could then mean that one person is more creative than the other.

Attention

Along with this, one may prefer more or less attention than someone else, and it could then be said that they are either an extrovert or introvert. Yet even if one does like to spend more time around others, it doesn’t mean that they will see themselves as more important or more developed than their partner.

And the same could be said if one finds that their partner needs to spend more time around others. Each person is then able to accept that the other person is different without trying to change them or make out there is something wrong with them.

Complement Each Other

In this sense, each person is there to add to the other person’s life, and this will allow them to grow and develop together. In many ways, this could be seen as the ideal scenario as it will be life-affirming.

This doesn’t mean that they won’t argue or that they won’t be conflict; what it means is that they will be together to assist in each other’s evolution. When one ends up with people who are not at the same level, their experience is likely to be radically different.

Two Experiences

On one side, one could find that they are fed up with attracting people who are more like their child than their partner. On the other side, one could find that although this causes them to be frustrated from time to time, it is what feels comfortable.

If one has had enough of what is taking place, it could be a sign that they have experienced an inner shift. But if one is happy with how their life is, it could come down to the fact that their level of awareness hasn’t changed.

For Example

When one is in this position, they could find that they are typically drown to people who are a lot younger than they are. It will then be normal for one to feel like the other persons parent and they can be used to giving more than they receive.

One could also be attracted to people who are not very developed, and once again they can feel like some kind of teacher. But while they will be giving lots of advice, they are not going to be getting anything in return.

Control

Still, what this will do is allow them to be the person that decides what does and what doesn’t happen in the relationship. For instance, through having more money, they will be able to define where they go and where they live.

If they are more intelligent, it will allow them to be right and the other person is likely to look up to them. The feedback that they get from the other is then going to have a positive effect on how they feel about themselves.

Stunted

So the relationships they have will allow them to experience control and to feel good about themselves, but what they won’t do is allow them to grow. The only thing they are likely to do is to allow them to preserve the identity they have formed.

Therefore, although one can look as though they are full of life on the outside, this is not going to match up with what is taking place within them. And until they no longer feel comfortable with this kind of dynamic, it won’t be possible for them to truly grow.

Overshadow

If one was to take a look at what is taking place within them at a deeper level, they may find that they don’t value themselves, and through being with people who are not at the same level, it stops them from having to face how they feel. One has then created a false-self that allows them to rise above their true feelings.

This could mean that there was a time in their life where they experienced some kind of abuse and neglect, and this then caused them to experience toxic shame. If one was to embrace how they feel they would feel worthless and it would cause them to emotionally collapse, but through disconnecting from what is taking place within them, it will allows them to experience a false sense of superiority.

Awareness

If one can relate to this and they want to attract someone who is at their level, it might be necessary for them to work with a therapist and/or a support group. This can be a time where one will need to work through the emotional pain that is trapped in their body, among other things.